Thursday, June 11, 2015

I don't need passion, just a little satisfaction!

The beginning of May saw 13 people I've shared a part of my life with over the last 2 years graduate with their MBAs, and as I embark on my last remaining class having only taken one last summer (due to traveling with my family to Hawaii! No regrets!), I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And with that light, as many questions as answers. I pour over articles lauding the value of an MBA and I hope.

I was talking with a girlfriend today about success and finances and goals, and in a little research for work I see the encouragement to take risks for what you want. But I'm still not sure what that is. I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. (Although I rest assured that no matter what it is the MBA and these past 2 years have gotten me closer to it.) But what I really want is to be financially independent. To have the flexibility to spend ALL THE TIME with Adria that I can. I want to impact lives. But I don't know what THAT THING is. How can I reach for my goals, and how will I know when I've reached them, if I don't know what they are?

I've heard business leaders preach passion. Steve Jobs, multi-go-gillionaire and mega innovator, famously said "if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know it when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." He was also worth over $1,000,000 at the age of 23, over $10,000,000 at the age of 24, and over $100,000,000 at the age of 25. So in my humble opinion--easy for him to say!

I have also talked with numerous people whom I would consider successful in my own realm, and I know very few who would say they are living out their passion at work. So I am beginning to think that for the majority of us, fit and satisfaction are more important than passion. My goal: to find someplace where my skills and personality are seen as particular asset, with room to make an impact either on people, the business, or the bottom line, and room to grow.

I took Adria to the circus a year and a half ago or so, and after it all she decided she wanted to be an acrobat. I say, you go girl! When I was little, I wanted to be a ballerina-librarian-brain surgeon. Guess I was covering all my bases. But at this point, I don't know. I don't have the dream to chase, the passion to pursue. My dreams and passions live in the house with me. I work to live; I just want to enjoy it most of the time. And so I have more questions than answers. And I have another 6 weeks of classes until I will be newly qualified to start looking around. I have a certain personality and a certain set of skills. I'm in the market for fit and satisfaction.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


At church this morning pastor reads from something Peter writes and Adria leans into me and says, "he's talking about Peter Pan!"

6/2/14: I won't get these moments back. Sweet three year old moments of a lovely sleeping child face, or the grumpy funny wake-up noises and "wallering". Sometimes she'll literally fold her pillow over her head like she's a taco baby. I don't mind the wake-up show, because I know there will come a time she won't let me sing her awake, or sit on the bed with her, or even sit in the rocker in her room as she wakes up. She is a beautiful child. These are beautiful moments by any count. I know I won't get them back, so I want to cherish them now.

A's bedtime prayer closing: "Good talk. Thanks!" (Air kiss!)

Adria just told me "smile mommy, because my eyes are taking a picture of you!" Gotta remember that.

9/23/14: Adria and I have been apart for 3 nights--and I ached to see her and for my heart to just know that I know that everything was ok. She is so amazing, getting so big, so capable, and so happy. Joe picked her up from daycare since I had an MBA client meeting after work, and when I finally got her back, she was delighted and delightful and just so happy and playful! Her behavior has been incident (tantrum/"fit") free for several weeks, and she told Joe while playing rough (over magic wands, or playing doctor and nurse or about her cardboard house) "be respectful!" Yup, she learned that at church on one of my MBA nights I wasn't able to be with her so Joe took her. This whole evening settled and warmed my heart so! We shared a bath and played, and at bedtime she told me if you touched her heart blankie (originally a gift for Baby Maggie), you'd get the love bug and wouldn't be able to stop hugging and kissing! And so naturally we both got bit, and hugged and strangled and kissied. She told me before bed she really really really didn't want to sleep in her bed and wanted to stay with me, but she knew she had to. (Am I a sap to think that's mature??) And I just treasure her holding on, and hugs and kisses, and that she wants me. Because I love her so and will always want her too. I put her in the bed with me the night before Maggie's birthday and just enjoyed it so much, even though she DID end up horizontal on the bed w her feet pushing into me. I'm glad I still hope in love, and that's why I save that place in my bed--but so many nights I just really really really want her to sleep with me too. :)

I really believe I have got just the right kid for me! She is so loving! She held my face as we were saying good night and told me, "you're so pretty mommy. You're the best mommy," and that she loves me a billion jillion. Man that kid…

I can't believe this beautiful creature is almost 4! Although she gets cooler all the time. She fake baby talks and fake cries now. Easier for me to tell what's really up with her. (Thank God!) Saying goodnight tonight she kissed my face and held into my neck and told me "you're the most beautiful mommy. You're the queen of mommies! You're the best mommy ever!" And that she loves me so so so much. You know what? Me too! Unbelievable, more and more! I think back to her birthday, and the overwhelming love that wrecked me for her that day. There has never been a moment like that in my life. And yet--today I love her more! Thank you God for that little princess, play pretend loving little girl. I am the luckiest mommy in the world, and though neither of us is near perfect, we're perfect for each other. Thank you God that I get to be her mommy, and that we belong together!

I told Adria about voting and getting to choose our leaders, and she thought for a minute and then she told me she hopes somebody votes for ME! That girl and her love…

Listening to Taylor Swift's Shake it off, Adria furrows her brow and says, it sounds like she's saying hate, (Haters gonna hate, hate, hate..) but she's not really. She would never do that.

Adria started at Little House Academy yesterday, and today was the first day I dropped her off there. She was ready for this step--she just walked herself right into her classroom, gave me a hug and a kiss, and when her teacher asked her she was ready to go! So proud, so amazed, and so thankful. When I picked her up she told me she learned about Indians and chose science for center time, and she sits on the unicorn square on the rug for circle time, and that my sweater is pretty. What a girl!

Adria told me in bed last night: mommy, I know you're a lot bigger than me, but but but... (long pause) I still want to drive a car.

All too soon you will be, baby girl!