I think part of pregnancy means worrying. You will worry. You worry if you feel too much, or too bad, and you worry if you don't feel much, and if you feel good. I'm in week 11 now, and actually, feeling better, and more energetic. But what's funny is, because I'm not feeling too much, sometimes I wonder if anything is really happening inside me. It's a weird and sometimes scary thing to think about, and although really I don't have any particular thing to be worried about, that worries me. I dreamt I could feel the baby moving inside me a few weeks ago, definitely just a dream, but sometimes still I'll sit really still and try to feel... something. Baby, are you doing ok in there??
I have started to gain weight slowly, so I'm hoping that's a sign of a healthy pregnancy and not a sign that I'm just letting myself eat whatever I want. Of course I don't want to just pile on the weight, but it's like that's the only real outward sign I have that I really am pregnant. Tight and uncomfortable pants! I've been trying to be careful about gaining weight, and it seems like everything I'm reading these days is talking about "healthy pregnancy weight gain", and how it's more about nutrition, etc, etc. So now that I'm pregnant I feel like I have to pay MORE attention to what I'm able to eat instead of less! (Although, some of my nutrition guidelines HAVE loosened up. For example, tortilla chips are a great source of whole grain, and salsa is a perfect serving of vegetables! And thank goodness for that cheese dip! Gotta get dairy in there too! And for the record, I DID ask my waiter if the cheese was pasturized, and he said yes. Yes!) So... I prefer about 5 meals a day instead of whatever it was I used to eat, and I prefer to have a little snack just before my scheduled lunch break to make time for a nap under my desk during lunch if I can get one. (George Castanza, eat your heart out.)
So, my clothes are tight, I'm irritable and emotional, and I want to go to bed by 9:00 every evening. I guess those are 3 outward signs. So things are probably moving along just how they should be. I have another doctor's check-up scheduled for next week, so it'll be reassuring for him to TELL me that everything is looking good.
But at the end of it all, I have to cut myself a break, because I've never been pregnant before, and I'm just doing the best I can to take care of myself, my husband, my job, and of course this little baby. I'm beginning to pray more, because more and more I'm experiencing that things are just out of my control, and all I can do is the best I can do, and take each of life's challenges a day at a time. (Jason had foot surgery last week, so things have been a little different around here, including my foray into driving the stick shift truck to work, stalling out time and time and time again in traffic, and helping him up and around the house as much as possible.) More often than not I don't sleep well these days, although I'm desperately tired, but the late night hours make good opportunities to just cry out to God and try try try to settle myself under his care. I came across 1 Peter 5:7 Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you, and Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righeous fall, and Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. And you know what? I slept. So... I'm going to try to keep nestling myself into that great comfort. That and stretchy pants. :)