Thursday, June 11, 2015

I don't need passion, just a little satisfaction!

The beginning of May saw 13 people I've shared a part of my life with over the last 2 years graduate with their MBAs, and as I embark on my last remaining class having only taken one last summer (due to traveling with my family to Hawaii! No regrets!), I am finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. And with that light, as many questions as answers. I pour over articles lauding the value of an MBA and I hope.

I was talking with a girlfriend today about success and finances and goals, and in a little research for work I see the encouragement to take risks for what you want. But I'm still not sure what that is. I'm still not sure what I want to be when I grow up. (Although I rest assured that no matter what it is the MBA and these past 2 years have gotten me closer to it.) But what I really want is to be financially independent. To have the flexibility to spend ALL THE TIME with Adria that I can. I want to impact lives. But I don't know what THAT THING is. How can I reach for my goals, and how will I know when I've reached them, if I don't know what they are?

I've heard business leaders preach passion. Steve Jobs, multi-go-gillionaire and mega innovator, famously said "if you haven't found it yet, keep looking. Don't settle. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know it when you find it. And like any great relationship, it just gets better and better as the years roll on." He was also worth over $1,000,000 at the age of 23, over $10,000,000 at the age of 24, and over $100,000,000 at the age of 25. So in my humble opinion--easy for him to say!

I have also talked with numerous people whom I would consider successful in my own realm, and I know very few who would say they are living out their passion at work. So I am beginning to think that for the majority of us, fit and satisfaction are more important than passion. My goal: to find someplace where my skills and personality are seen as particular asset, with room to make an impact either on people, the business, or the bottom line, and room to grow.

I took Adria to the circus a year and a half ago or so, and after it all she decided she wanted to be an acrobat. I say, you go girl! When I was little, I wanted to be a ballerina-librarian-brain surgeon. Guess I was covering all my bases. But at this point, I don't know. I don't have the dream to chase, the passion to pursue. My dreams and passions live in the house with me. I work to live; I just want to enjoy it most of the time. And so I have more questions than answers. And I have another 6 weeks of classes until I will be newly qualified to start looking around. I have a certain personality and a certain set of skills. I'm in the market for fit and satisfaction.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015


At church this morning pastor reads from something Peter writes and Adria leans into me and says, "he's talking about Peter Pan!"

6/2/14: I won't get these moments back. Sweet three year old moments of a lovely sleeping child face, or the grumpy funny wake-up noises and "wallering". Sometimes she'll literally fold her pillow over her head like she's a taco baby. I don't mind the wake-up show, because I know there will come a time she won't let me sing her awake, or sit on the bed with her, or even sit in the rocker in her room as she wakes up. She is a beautiful child. These are beautiful moments by any count. I know I won't get them back, so I want to cherish them now.

A's bedtime prayer closing: "Good talk. Thanks!" (Air kiss!)

Adria just told me "smile mommy, because my eyes are taking a picture of you!" Gotta remember that.

9/23/14: Adria and I have been apart for 3 nights--and I ached to see her and for my heart to just know that I know that everything was ok. She is so amazing, getting so big, so capable, and so happy. Joe picked her up from daycare since I had an MBA client meeting after work, and when I finally got her back, she was delighted and delightful and just so happy and playful! Her behavior has been incident (tantrum/"fit") free for several weeks, and she told Joe while playing rough (over magic wands, or playing doctor and nurse or about her cardboard house) "be respectful!" Yup, she learned that at church on one of my MBA nights I wasn't able to be with her so Joe took her. This whole evening settled and warmed my heart so! We shared a bath and played, and at bedtime she told me if you touched her heart blankie (originally a gift for Baby Maggie), you'd get the love bug and wouldn't be able to stop hugging and kissing! And so naturally we both got bit, and hugged and strangled and kissied. She told me before bed she really really really didn't want to sleep in her bed and wanted to stay with me, but she knew she had to. (Am I a sap to think that's mature??) And I just treasure her holding on, and hugs and kisses, and that she wants me. Because I love her so and will always want her too. I put her in the bed with me the night before Maggie's birthday and just enjoyed it so much, even though she DID end up horizontal on the bed w her feet pushing into me. I'm glad I still hope in love, and that's why I save that place in my bed--but so many nights I just really really really want her to sleep with me too. :)

I really believe I have got just the right kid for me! She is so loving! She held my face as we were saying good night and told me, "you're so pretty mommy. You're the best mommy," and that she loves me a billion jillion. Man that kid…

I can't believe this beautiful creature is almost 4! Although she gets cooler all the time. She fake baby talks and fake cries now. Easier for me to tell what's really up with her. (Thank God!) Saying goodnight tonight she kissed my face and held into my neck and told me "you're the most beautiful mommy. You're the queen of mommies! You're the best mommy ever!" And that she loves me so so so much. You know what? Me too! Unbelievable, more and more! I think back to her birthday, and the overwhelming love that wrecked me for her that day. There has never been a moment like that in my life. And yet--today I love her more! Thank you God for that little princess, play pretend loving little girl. I am the luckiest mommy in the world, and though neither of us is near perfect, we're perfect for each other. Thank you God that I get to be her mommy, and that we belong together!

I told Adria about voting and getting to choose our leaders, and she thought for a minute and then she told me she hopes somebody votes for ME! That girl and her love…

Listening to Taylor Swift's Shake it off, Adria furrows her brow and says, it sounds like she's saying hate, (Haters gonna hate, hate, hate..) but she's not really. She would never do that.

Adria started at Little House Academy yesterday, and today was the first day I dropped her off there. She was ready for this step--she just walked herself right into her classroom, gave me a hug and a kiss, and when her teacher asked her she was ready to go! So proud, so amazed, and so thankful. When I picked her up she told me she learned about Indians and chose science for center time, and she sits on the unicorn square on the rug for circle time, and that my sweater is pretty. What a girl!

Adria told me in bed last night: mommy, I know you're a lot bigger than me, but but but... (long pause) I still want to drive a car.

All too soon you will be, baby girl!

Monday, May 12, 2014

Mother's Day reflection

Man--this weekend was SO BUSY.  SO MUCH FUN.  (Tinge of loneliness.)  All in all, SO GOOD, and A really is my best friend, and we really do love each other so much.  That part is awesome.
She's not a grown up. She is totally egocentric (as she should be). But there's nobody like her. Like "us".  She tries me and tests me and stretches me and makes me better. She teaches me love and patience, and makes me want to give, and give, and give... and then keep giving.
The song "Never Be Alone" by Lady Antebellum just came on. 
And with the sometimes-loneliness of life right now, I am forced to remember "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.
Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands;
your walls are ever before me.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
And I think my Mother's Day reflection with my God and my charming, delightful 3 year old beauty must be "never be alone."  Oh so sweet.  The sweetness definitely wins!


Friday, January 3, 2014

God's castle

We were talking last night after prayer time and Adria asked if God was magic, and where God lived.  We decided he was an entirely different kind of magic, and good, and love, and invisible.  And he probably had a castle in heaven, in the sky.  And by the end of it she told me she wanted to go to God's castle and asked me if we could go.  She asked if he had any princesses and I told her that she was one.  She told me that daddy was a prince and I was a princess, and that if we went to God's castle she wanted to sleep in the bed with me.  I told her if we got to go to God's castle that's what I wanted too. 

I don't know how I'm going to tell her after daycare today that we're just going home!

Monday, October 14, 2013


I feel lost on a path I was never meant to be on.  My feet are firm beneath me and my head and my heart are clear.  I just wasn't supposed to find myself here.  I am lost.  I am here, but I am lost here.  The ache in my heart tells me that.  I am me.  This is my home.  I have my feet and my head and my heart.  I just am lost on a path I was never meant to be on.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Collecting moments

Perhaps this blog has become more a collection of moments and times too precious to let slip away in my memory. 

My darling Adria, sassy and sweeet.  She will stick up two fingers and announce, "I'm two and a half."  She'll say it if prompted, and sometimes completely out of the blue.  The half is important, you know?  And I'll tell ya--she's GOOD at being two and a half.  They say the two's are terrible, and we have truly had some terrible moments.  But moreso they're just a part of my baby growing up. 

Could she be the smartest girl to ever walk the earth?  Possibly.  The most beautiful?  Yes, it could be.  The most fun, and charming, and definitely the girliest?  Yes, that's her.

She likes little more than wathing a "videdo" on my cell phone, which she can manage on her own, thank you very much! 

And playing baby, where I am instructed to cry, and she, with a smart look on her face, ignores me for a moment, before putting her face close and stroking my hair and inevitably jamming SOMETHING into my mouth, whether a makeshift pacifier or bottle.  She's actually quite good at mommy-ing. 

And she loves princesses and costumes and dancing, although her version of dancing is taking my two hands and leaning back, balancing on her feet as she teeters and tools back and forth.  I have to make sure I hold onto her, but I don't mind dancing with my baby like that! 

She told me the other day, after I helped her out of her car seat, "Who's my little helper, Mommy?"  It took me a minute to understand what she was getting at, but then I laughed and told her "me!", much to both our delight!

She whines and cries to get what she wants, but she's learning to use her words.  She's doing better and better with bedtime and staying put, and with letting me leave the room when she's still awake, and I think we're both sleeping better. 

She is OBSESSED with "make-up", which is to say lip gloss, lip stick and chapstick of all kinds.  She had 4 in bed with her just the other night, and will slather it on! 

She calls me "Honey".  Which I LOVE!!!  Most of the time it's when we're playing, and especially when she wants to be the mommy, but I love it anytime.  My friends or family will hear it and ask, "Did she just call you honey?"  And I'll just smile and nod...

She says "videdo", and "aminals".  She'll shout "ta-da!" when she's especially proud of herself.  She uses "yesss!" like a teenager, clasps her hands together and begs "pleeease, mom?", and can huff and puff around with the best of them. 

She is a remarkable creation, if I do say so myself.  And often I get so busy living life that I don't stop to note how remarkable it is.  Maybe for a minute I do, but then I forget.  So here I am.  Collecting moments.

Thursday, May 2, 2013


Day in and day out, Adria and I are working it out.  They talk about the terrible twos, and we've had some of those.  The thing I keep thinking is, Adria is REALLY GOOD at being 2!  I'm just trying to figure out how to be a good mom of a 2 year old!  But as we're both learning our parts, things really are sweet. 

These are special times.  Sacred times.  Times for just she and I.  Times I'll never get back.  I can't boil them down to a few sentences.  My words don't do them justice.  The way she throws her arms around my neck, unprompted, and says I love you mom.  The way she's quit calling me Mommy and started calling me Ma-Ma.  (It sounds funny and lovely to my ears whenever she says it.)  She dances, and twirls, and does one legged downward facing dog to end each sequence.  We spin and spin and spin until we both fall down dizzy, and then we stand back up, stumbling, to spin some more.  She has an imaginary friend named Petka who pops in and out of our playtimes.  She runs fast.  So fast that sometimes her feet get out from under her and she skins her knees, and comes crying into my arms.  She lays her head on my shoulder.  She LOVES bandaids.  She pretends to read books.  To me, to herself, to her "aminals".  She loves playing with babies.  She's great at pretending.  She'll tell me stories and stop in the middle and ask me, "what happens next, Mama?"  She wants to help with everything, and most of the time she can.  She's the best date ever--fun in a restaurant, petting zoo, store or rodeo.  She can sing her entire alphabet.  And Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.  And Jesus Loves Me.  She can pray, and has prayed for me!  She is obsessed with Dora, and even plays Dora when she's driving her little Cozy Coupe on our driveway.  She is totally girlie, bordering on addicted to lip gloss, and will occasionally flip her blonde hair and mug for the camera.  She will occasionally whine, but is getting better and better at "using her words".  And to be honest, usually gets what she wants.  She's developed Adria-ese, and can speak jibberish for an entire conversation.  She is fun and happy.  Sometimes slow to warm up, but interested in the world.  She's a sensitive girl.  She is life and joy.  I don't want to forget our moments, but they are such a simple joy that if I were to write them all down, they wouldn't look like much without my mother-heart-filter.  I guess it boils down to this: Little One, you are my treasure.